Back from heaven, back to hell;

1. honestly, you say you have trust issues because of all the shit thats happened to you.
but the real reason is you never trust anyone enough for them not to disappoint you. if you just trusted them in the first place you'd see more of what you want.
i'm sick of you being inconsistent and hypocritical.

2. all i have negative for you is that sometimes you need to let me be myself, even if you think you know me better then i do, no one does.

3. i think we both probably just suck at connecting. too bad.

4. you too. good luck in your life and i hope to still see you.

5. i'm really sorry we fell apart. i miss you, i miss the old you, now you're so controlling and not forgiving.

6. i dont know you anymore at all.

In many nights we all learn to build and burn bridges for ourselves, the chances you take and bare skin and bone you surrender for a new experience; through miles of light pollution and as this starry sky unfolds and multiplies I spoon out the stars from my notebook. Dimly lit cement and I can see him remembering her. I cannot focus on the ground and I can finally see how tiny I am. Midnight pools on cold cement-a million times spent-in front of the once golden tree-You show me what I was meant to see, I've been carrying you in my pockets for weeks now.

So I just got back. Literally just walked in the door.

I love reading a week's worth of new myspace comments; It's comparable to opening presents on Christmas morning.








Wow, BVIs were great.


Highlight: IF YOU GET RAPED, TOUGH SHIT.


Oh, I love hanging out with Nick and Cas and Sammy.

Im still really fuckin bothered about last night.
He said he thinks he's going to the pre-party and Brody says she might which Davey says means yes.
But im not, im like 100% positive im not.
Ugh I fuckin need to change.
Im going to ask my mom to schedule an appointment with my physciatrist, hopefully I can get some new meds that dont make me gain weight.
I dont know what else to do, it's like I want to go out and have fun but I always drink and get way to out of control.
I want to see Brody tommorow but im not going to do my hair and stuff so Im just like FUCK IT, I dont have any money either and guess what I need it to go out because I want alchohol andddd I owe Eros money!
So screw it, fuck life.
Im really trying to change though im sick of being the crazy pyscho bitch but theres NO FUCKIN HELP TRYING TO DO IT! I fuckin have been in the hospital twice..THIS FUCKIN YEAR...and nothing has changed, when the fuck ughhh
I give up>.<
I wanna be fucking hella pissed at Brody for what she did but ughhhhhh I should...
man I just dont know, advice please?

I cant wait until Brody quits her job at rainbow alley, it's a dumbass job anyways. She'll NEVR fucking understand how I feel because everytime I fuckin try to talk to her she just bitches at me...she always yells at me.
Yeah I definetly dont think im going tommorow I dont want to see her or anyone else.

So yesterday I meet up with Becky, Adamn, Eros and Boylad. Eros Boylad and I go get a handle of Burnetts vodka and we go to the alley and start drinking. I was dressed like a hooker so I was getting a lot of attention and Brody couldn't fuckin lay her hands off of me. In about 2 hours I was WASTED AS FUCKKKKKK. Brody, Ozzy, ...other people and I all went to Blakes apartment on Brody's break and Blake pulled out MORE Burnetts vodka. First Brody fucked me in the bathroom...omg it was soooooo good. But anyways then she starts CHUGGING the bottle of vodka and she got fucking drunk and I've never really seen her drunk I've always been the drunk one.
Oh god and this is where the drama starts.
I was soooo wasted that I made out with Ozzy infront of her and she got really pissed! I was like..
C-"It's not like we're fucking going OUT BRODY!"
B-"yeah WHY FUCKING NOT?! And you can still fuckin respect me instead of fucking making out with every person you see."
And then we just kept bitching at each other and it was horrrible but then finally we made up.
After Brody had to go back to work I went back to the alley and Ozzy and I were talking outside I guess about cutting ourselves, I dont know I was realllly drunk. And ALICEMO walks up and has the nerve to say "you guys are so emo."
So I was like.
"With the bitch whos NAME on myspace is fucking alicemo. Get the fuck out my face you dumb as tranny look at your fucking face it looks grey with all that makeup you're wearing like 3 different fucking shades, you look like a fucking APE."
And she was like "Shut up bitch, you're a fucking slut with the name Cameltoe...(and everyone started laughing) then she was like look what you're wearing you look like a whore."
So then she went and told the fat lady that worked there I was drunk and Ozzy and I got kicked out. Ozzy and I went down an alley to makeout and then when we came back everyone was fucking going CRAZY. Brody came out and was like "you fucking WHORE! How the fuck are you going to have sex in an alley? Im fucking done with you!" And everyone else took her side and started calling me a slut and a whore and dustin, one of the boys I got drunk with ran up to me and got all in my face and called me a whore...for no reason!!! And then Ariel...I see that bitch down the alley and theres a big crowd and she was all like "i heard you were talking shit about my friend" and she called me a slut so I fuckin attacked that bitch and knocked her on the ground but I was so drunk I fell on the ground too haha and she punched me in my face and dustin held me down while she fucking punched me. So at this point Ozzy and I leave and BRODY LEAVES ME FOR THE CROWD. Omg I was fucking crying hysterically...you dont even understand.I was sooo wasted that I basically had blacked out. Ozzy and i tried to follow Brody and she came back to talk to me but she was yelling at me so I got pissed and pushed her reallly fucking hard and almost knocked her on her ass. God...I cant believe I fucking HIT HER. Then she was like FUCK YOU BABIDOLL YOU DUMB WHORE ITS FUCKING OVER FUCK YOU BITCH! And she was soo close to punching me. Ozzy and I keep following her and then we lose her so we go into an alley and Cut, and I use the same razor blade as him...ugh im sooo stupid. I hope I didnt catch anything.
We make it to Eros's house and Im still really upset so he gives me a free molly because someone fucking STOLE MY CIGARRETES AND LIKE 25 FUCKING DOLLARS OUT OF MY PURSE AT THE ALLEY!!!!
Eros and I are rolling balls and Brody calls me and she's like im coming over. So I wait like 3 hours and finally she calls and she's like "im downstairs come and get me." Eros, Ozzy and I go downstairs and fuckin DUSTIN An HIS BOYFRIEND ARE THERE so Im like FUCK THAT THEY CANT COME IN! And dustin starts calling me a whore AGAIN and brody's like to him you have to leave.
We all go upstairs and Brodys being a bitch and talking to all these girls on myspace and she doesn't want like anything to do with me but she did apoligize. Eros and I took ALOT OF KINKY PICS haha and Brody and I took like one. Then Eros, Ozzy and I go to the store and get juice and candy. Brody was being such a fucking bitch to Ozzy which is not fair at all because when the whole crowd left me he was the only one that stook by my side. Her and boylad were treating him like pure shit it was sad and the only reason Brody doesn't like him is because he likes me! I smoked some dank ass weed last night, ugh such a mistake. Then when Brody and I went to sleep she fingered me for a little while and then I humped boylad hahh and he got pissed I took off all my clothes and went to sleep! This morning I basically layed in bed all day on Brodys lap and we were just messing around like wrestling and stuff and she wouldn't stop putting her finger up nose hhaha and then she shoved it in my mouth and made me pick my own nose! What else happened...hmm...I dont know we just chilled until like 11:30 and Brody and I went to Davey's house and I told Davey what happened and he was PISSED AT BRODY. I know if he was there he would've beat some bitches asses see I know my real fucking friends. We smoked more and just laughed a bit and it was just really chill. Brody fed me sum of her pasta..and then davey made me a sandwich. And then my mom had to pick me up for court so I kissed brody goodbye and hugged Davey. Court was okay, they didn't mention anything about my U.A surpisingly..
When I came home I went straight to bed. I woke up at like 8pm tonight and my mom took me to taco bell. I took a shower and washed my hair...shit I need to dye it again ughhh.
I want to go to eros's pre-party tommorow but I doubt I will because I dont feel like doing my hair and I dont have any money and I really want to pay Eros back for the pill so I need to find money first, Brody's going though, she'll be mad if I dont go probably....

I dont fucking know what to do man. She pisses me off, like WHY would she stand up for Ariel and not me. She said some dumb bullshit about how Ariels her bestfriend and I didn't know her when she was homeless. Now she thinks im a slut and basically the whole rainbow alley does it was so embarresing, for something I didn't do. It hurts so bad that she'd believe I'd have sex with anyone in an alley...if that's the way she fucking portrays me I dont know what to think about her either. She told me she loved me and all this shit but that im too crazy and ugh she flirts with other girls around me...like she tries to own me and it's sooo not cool. We're not in a fucking relationship so she has NO RIGHT to do that. I shouldn't of made out with Ozzy infront of her though I mean our relationship has gotten to a point where I should be respectful and it's gotten to a point where she's very protective over me but ugh still>:(

Im so fucking embarresed Im never going back to the alley again. I dont want to drink anymore either but ugh there's too much fucking temptation, it's gotten to the point where I dont know how to have fun without drinking or doing drugs. I know how to have fun with Brody sober now like I had fun with her today but ugh im so fucking torn up. I have like no trust in her anymore...I've never had someone that I loved sooo much and someone that loved me back treat me so horrible. I know I fucked up with making out with Ozzy but she had no right to call me that kinda shit and make me cry like that, I thought we had more than that...I guess we dont....

My mom is giving me 30 dollars and im getting a handle and an ily...A MOLLY NOT SUM CUT SHIT!
AHHHHH
and Brody called me, with nothing to say as usual but she said she wanted to spend the night with me sooo YEAH!
IM FUCKIN EXCITEDDDD

I feel kinda like shit when everyones all talking about how the school year is almost over and I dont even get to experience that feeling because I had to drop out because of "illness" and I dont even get to experience that accomplishment. Shit I've been on Summer break for almost two months now....And I still have like three months to go. I love not having to go to school but think about how much I've fucked up now....Urgh.
It is really nice not having to go to school though.
I mean I get to sleep all day if I please, stay up all night, spend the night at friends houses on weekdays.
But still...blahhhh

I can't wait to see Brody tommorow ohhh and Lexi too.
It was awkward because Lexi and I were making out at civic center park and all of these people were asking if we were dating and she was like "yeah" at the same time I said "no."
And I felt bad...
So then I explained that it was complicated...and I guess that we were.
I guess we are?
She isn't that bad, I mean even though she steals soup (that was directed to tully haha).
She's REALLY REALLY REALLY NICE.
And yeah I like her so suck it!
Not as much as I like Brody...to bad Brody breaks everyones hearts and she doesn't care about it. I really love her as a person though, no that is WAY different than being in love with her WHICH IM NOT, I care about her, though...
I care about Lexi too but Brody and I just have way too much history, it's crazy because I've only known her since December. Ahhh it's been half a year!
We'll yeah im really excited to see Brody tommorow and Im promising myself that I wont get too drunk and start being mean to her because everytime I get drunk I always am rude to her and then she get's pissed...which wont be happening^_^
I'll be a happy drunk!
Yeah im just rambling on...but Im bored so fuck it.
I need to wash clothes.
I want to eat but we have nothing.
Except for like this soup my mom made and I already had about two bowls of it.
Davey sent me a message on myspace and added me again, he asked me how I was. I said I was doing good.
It's weird I dont even miss him.
Like I kinda forgot about him and that's crazy because we used to be BEST FRIENDS...no really, not just a title but actually fucking best friends and then all of a sudden one day we're not and it didn't really affect me like all the other times we had gotten in fights.
I've made other friends though and I've decided I dont even need a best friend I can just be everyones "friends or good friends" and keep to myself in the best friend category.

Blah mothafuckin BLAH
im so bored.
I think im going to redoe my toe nails, I dont need to do my fingernails because I painted them dark blue with glitter last night. Im going to fix my eyebrows and im also going to shave. What else can I do to get glamoured up?....
I should wash my hair but I have no hair dye left so I dont want it to fade anymore, I'll just wait until the day after tommorow.

I cant believe it's been...over a month since I've taken my anti-pyschotics hahaha and im so not pyscho!

Is maria G...and why are they reading my journal?
So on the alchohol quiz someone named maria g like took it...what stranger is reading my journal?
Aiite that's it...im making like 99.9% of my entries private.
I mean about 95% are already....
If you're going to stalk my journal i'd appreciate it if you just added me.
Aiite? cool? thanx?

so Boylad is drinking with us tommorow, I hope he doesn't get drunk and beat someone up...actually I hope he does just as long as it's not me again!
Becky has to leave at 5:30 which suxxx.
Uh yeah Im having outfit problems>.

....Monday
Tequila Tuesday!
Whiskey Wednesday!
Thirsty Thursday!
Faded Friday!
Slurred Saturday!
....Sunday

I woke up about an hour ago. Liz texted me...haha I kinda forgot about her because so much other shit has been going on. I dont really like her that much anymore anyways...Like I did a lot before but now she kind of faded away. I dont like shy girls.
I cant WAIT UNTIL TOMMOROW!
So Eros is letting me wear his leapord coat and im going to wear a leapord skirt, a studded belt, fishnets, and my leapord chucks. Im going to look like the hottest hooker EVER and Becky and Eros are going to be my pimps, we still have to find them fedoras. We're going to get A HANDLE and then go up to rainbow alley. I get to see my cunt! I made her a piece of kandi last night, it says I love you and it has two turtles on it...the pink one is me and the green one is her because she is all boyish.
FUCK and then I have court on Friday...>:(
They're going to say my U.A is positive for THC and then I wont be able to go out for a while...So I HAVE TO MAKE THURSDAY THE BEST.
I hope Brody will spend the night with me, she never does so whatever...I guess I dont really care.

Oh yeah and my mom has been bitching at me AGAIN! I have to go do the dishes, alrighty peace out<3

Well, the year is ending. I'm ecstatic. My grades are so good that i've stopped worrying. For the first time (ever), I'm just deciding to skip assignments because I don't want to do them. It feels awesome.
I am running unopposed for general senior rep, so basically next year, I'm on student senate. i'm very excited to get more involved and make some new friends.
Plus, I am soooo ready to be a senior. I'm ready to get away, start over, and begin the rest of my life. also, am scared shitless about moving miles away and having the potential to be far less a badass than I think I am.
Newt is home. it feels different, but necessarily in a bad way. Just a little weird to be able see him so regularly.
Toga party this saturday. No one is actually going to wear a toga because they're lame lame lame.

Dear Summer,
I really miss you. please come faster. You're being a slow poke.
sincerely,
shelb

So I just finished my philosophy final. It was kind of a useless class and an easy final, but I just wrote the most epic essay I've ever written. Keep in mind that the essays I write aren't all that epic anyway, but still...It was all about intention in life, how Ghandi was like "non-violence shouldn't be a practice, it should be a matter of the heart" and then I was like "damn. I'm going to write about that."

Anyway, all incoherent blathering aside, I'm so excited to be done with that class. The minute I finished the final, I put on my playlist of epic music, walked down the hall in an epic kind of way, and pretended I was in some indie movie with epic angles and epic zooms and all that fun, generally epic stuff.

there was really no point to this post.
But before I leave, the most epic yearbook signing I've ever signed...
In environmental science, I didn't konw how to express my love to everyone, so i just signed "global warming has never been so fun."

That is all.

1. Tonight, God came to me in the form of an Irish boy with a cigarette between his lips and a cold stare. My cheeks were hot from crying and the boy, with a guitar case resting on his back and a worn down black blazer, calmed me down with the soothing sounds of the coast. Water on water, it was all the same but on the stiff second night in Dublin I found comfort in the dry air; and it was as if both of us hadn’t realized how late it was, and when the sun, peeking up over distant hills, poured morning into our empty bottles; we exclaimed happiness sleepily. I called him the Saint of all things passionate, because whatever he did it was pumped full of life; even in the most unholy situations I saw him confident. He finds me on sleepless nights and cold winters I am no longer a stranger too. In the land of unfamiliarity, I feel at home in these strange streets.

1. stop flirting so much.
your allowed, but back off a little.
i will never be okay with this;

2. you also need to back the fuck off.
he's not interested...
and neither is everyone else around you.
I'm sorry, but i don't like being used because you want to talk about how you like him again.
as if you didn't already have your chance.

i feel so shitty these days.
i'm pretty sure i'm getting sick. but i really would rather not. i've had this cough for like three weeks and no other symptoms, until today.

my neck is all swollen and i have a headache and feel like i can't move.
i really hate being sick.
god damn, i hope i get better soon.


i'm also so so so lame, but im really starting to hate being single again. i also pretty much hate the way i'm way too shy to actually do anything about it.



summer is so close i can almost feel it. but it still fells like we should have a few more months of school. its so weird.

Haaha so I have over a hundred pics on Beckys camera of me...And I have a lot of them making out with people and just doing crazy shit like drinking forties and peeing on stufff.
And I want her to send them to me but I feel bad because like I wouldn't want to send over a hundred pics
Man I need my own camera>:(

But anyway this basically records the last few weeks of our crazy lives because when we hang out and drink usually a lot of insane shit happens!
And that's what it's been like lately and I want the pictures :,(

Im boredio....
Like I just woke up because my brother is so god damn selfish and he turns his music up extremely unnecessarily loud....
IM so hungry I need to eat but my mom, of course, didn't bring home any food from my grandmas yesterday.
Hm im bored, I should probablyyy go find something to eat and then finish watching that movie?
Ugh I dont want my mom to come because im going to have to hear her bitching ALL MUTHAFUCKIN DAY!
No one texts or calls me anymore>:(