With a good criminal heart,

So I feel like it's time for me to take out some of my piercings. I don't look very professional and it's harder for me to find jobs.
I told John and he seemed really unhappy about it. He likes that I'm not a blonde bimbo and I'm unique. But I have to take them out eventually. I'm not as dark as I used to be. I used to be all brooding and goth-y. I don't want to have dark hair and tons of piercings anymore. I'm ready to be an adult. Or at least start looking like one.

Now I'm concerned John isn't going to love me as much with these changes. He loves me as a punk chick who doesn't look like everyone else. Is he not going to love me as much when I go back to blonde and start taking out more piercings? What happens then?
I really thought he'd be supportive but instead he was sad. Felt like I was giving up a part of myself. He said ' I like that you're you'. But are all these piercings really me anymore?


I don't know

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Just had a long drawn out dream that I wanted to remember.
I was in some sort of war. We were in this like fighter pilot ship in space, and I wasn't working the ship right. We're trying to shoot at these smaller ships and this one big massive one. John was there and was teaching me that I had to kind of lean in the chair in order to direct the ship. I finally got it down and was blowing up the other ships. Then I knew I had to crash our ship into the really massive one. I knew we would live, we'd just put on parachutes and we'd end up inside the ship. So we crashed and I lost John and our crew somewhere. I'm dressed up in this Alice in Wonderland blue dress and I'm carrying this massive curved sword. I don't remember killing anything but I know I did a lot of that. All these people I know are there, like people I went to highschool with. After a while I'm pretty injured, both of my ankles have been sliced open on the front to the bone so I can't walk. The ship is all wooden, even though we're in space it's like a big old house, empty. There are all these injured people there and this guy I went to highschool with named Adam Fitterer is there and he's rich in my dream. He plans to take everyone to his castle so his staff can take care of them. I remember crawling to him and he carried me to his house. So his house his this giant castle but with white walls. Huge massive staircases and hallways that go on for miles, I never see another person while I'm there. I'm dressed in this Victorian style dark purple dress and my hair is long again. It's half up, perfectly black, and perfectly curled. I'm trying to find the library so I have to get in this like electronic hanging basket to carry me up the stairs because they are so huge. I get to the library but Adam and the girl he plans to marry are there having sex and I don't want them to see me. The basket is gone so I'm trying to run back down the stairs but the stairs are weird. Some are just paths, some are downhill and some are uphill. I can't get ahead of Adam, he's nearly right behind me so I hide around a corner. The butler is there and he's telling me he's going to lower down the giant amethyst chandelier and I just need to grab onto to one of the crystals and it will carry me down to the last floor. I was waiting for the chandelier to come down when I woke up.

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 The subject title means so much right now.
   It's 3:56am, I work at 5am.

I kept waking up every half an hour or so after 1:11am, I wonder what the fuck that's all about.
   I went to bed at 10:45pm
That's the earliest I have gone to bed in like 2months.


I couldn't back to sleep, So I figured I'd snoop the internet a bit.

So, Along these lines of killing time, I thought I would look at my LJ Calendar and see how much I have actually posted in it.
  I have ha this Journal since 2005, I had another 1 prior to this.

I posted a lot in 2005,I even posted 3 times on a Wednesday in 2005. Then my computer died I believe because my next post wasn't until 2007, Then nothing again for 3 years.
  3 whole years. Wow.

I don't even know why I bitch so much, Maybe because I don't really care to talk about some of these things to anybody. Just knowing it's here for anybody to read should they care to, is kind of liberating for me.
  
    I'm gonna try to sleep again for like 45min. before m first alarm goes off.
Today feels like it'll be an interesting day.

   I can already feel the weird vibration that comes with the ticking clock. I hate time.

I waited by the phone all night. You made animals out of beads. Sweet. It is stuff like this that drives me crazy. I'm up at 3am because I fell asleep at 10 something, I had a terrible time trying to sleep. Rad. I fucking hate Courtney.

I feel panicky and really bad today. I feel like I can't get comfortable. I'm totally restless.
I just feel like something is amiss. Something feels wrong and it seems to be centered around John. Something isn't right and I just feel worried. Probably the best thing for us to stay apart this weekend, absence makes the heart fonder. Maybe things will be better then.

In the meantime I'm going to try to sit with discomfort.
I got an email from a lady about a job as a resident apartment manager. I'd live in the complex rent free, keep an eye on things and have an apartment. I could probably get a second job. So I'm really really hoping that it will work out. I need some good luck and good things in my life.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

One thing I adore about John. I haven't had a job since June something and pretty much haven't done anything with my life. In that time John held a job and now goes to school full time. Not once during this entire time has he made me feel bad. If I'm stressed out, he takes care of me. Ciaran used to make me feel like I didn't deserve comfort because I didn't work as hard. John never makes me feel like that. He may think it, but he never makes me feel like I don't do enough. When I'm stressed out or overly tired he doesn't go 'what do you have to be stressed/tired for? You don't do anything'. He goes 'I'm sorry baby, how can I help?'.
He never makes me feel unworthy of his love or attention. He encourages me and makes me feel like I'm not a failure.

I love him for that

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

 after looking over all of my lj posts....

"OH JESUS DILLON, STOP WHINING."

verbatim.  

So I think I've made it abundantly clear that I'm tired of focusing all my time and attention on other people.
I've never really taken any time for myself, never taken the time to say "What do you want, Alina?" My choices for myself and the things I "want" tend to be influenced by other people.
So I decided that at the start of my journal entries I'm going to start asking myself what I want for that day. What in my heart of hearts do I want.
So to start off this entry I'm thinking of tomorrow. Tomorrow I want to wear bright yellow eyeshadow, really happy colored. And I also want to spend the day with my mom. Unfortunately Scott is coming over around 3:30 but I'll get her for the morning.
So sunny yellow eyeshadow and to spend time with my mom is what I want.

This weekend was fun. We saw the Fourth Kind which was good but not amazing. I kind of had higher hopes for it. The real footage they had thrown in there was pretty unreal looking. The woman was permanently injured after it. "It's not really an owl....!" Pretty fucking creepy.

It was John and I's 8 month anniversary on Friday. He brought me this gorgeous bouquet of roses in rainbow. Orange, pink, yellow, and purple roses. They're totally beautiful and because of this sunshiney streak we've been having they're blooming hugely. I wish I could put them in my room but I just don't get enough sun. John took such good care of me this weekend. I felt like shit all weekend long and he just took care of me. Rubbed my feet, hands, and scratched my head how I like. When I laid down next to him he put a pillow on his lap for me, and covered up any of my exposed skin with blanket. He's such a good boyfriend.

I've kind of been avoiding John's dad. On Sunday I was having a really sensitive day, just kind of didn't feel good. Mom hurt my feelings by pointing out if I wouldn't have dropped out of college I'd a junior now. That made me feel aweesome.
And then for dinner Mike made fajitas. I still can't eat really chewy food like that. He kept making comments about me being a wussy girl and it was good he didn't have any daughters. And that Dylan and John had recovered within a couple of days. I know he was trying to be jokey but it REALLY hurt my feelings. I said something like "yeah good thing you didn't have daughters" and John looked at me and whispered "he was just joking". But it totally struck me in the chest, I know I probably should be feeling better by now but I just don't. I fainted in my therapy appointment today. It's not like I'm doing it for attention or something. But it hurt. John looks over at me and I just started bawling so I ran for the basement. He held me while I cried for a bit, just trying to reassure me his dad was joking.
When I'm really sick or really depressed I feel raw, and I just can't handle diss-y humor like that. I feel like I'm too sensitive to be around him right now. Like I can't face his humor until I feel better.

Lol so John and I have decided as a celebratory thing for when we move in together we're going to get a pair of baby chameleons. We'll get them plants and little fountains all over the house for them to hang out in. Baby chameleons are friggin cute. I told John's mom this plan and she told me that won't cut it, she wants grandchildren. I told her tough luck, we want chameleons for children.

I wish I could move out tomorrow. Steps to me having my own life. Getting closer every day.



Oh so one more thing. While I had my wisdom teeth out I found out Scott told my mother that he couldn't marry her with "how things were now". Meaning me. Apparently he thinks I rule her life and whatever I say, goes. Which I find pretty ridiculous considering I don't live with her anymore, see her about once a week, and get to talk to her like every other day. How am I ruling her life? She told me that I'm being a lot more mature about this than he is. I just told her my main concern is her being happy. She's spent a lot of her life focusing on the needs of others and I just want her to be happy. I think Scott is a douchefuck but it could be just the side of him that I see. I just feel so bad for my mom. He essentially is telling her to pick between me and him. That is so unfair to her and really fuckin immature of him.
It's starting to make me feel bad though. Like I should be there to support her and take care of her through this. I know she feels extremely alone.
My poor mama.

Love;
  It's pretty much what everybody wants.

I feel like that's all I have been talking about lately.
 I have an amazing girlfriend, sure we fight here and there. It's pretty natural.

I really am enjoy having her in my life. 
She makes me SO~ happy.

  I love her laugh, when she really gets into it.
     The way her words race when she is excited about a thought or she is on a rant.
Sure it's hard to get a word in sometimes, but that's how she is, she's really excitable. I LOVE IT. LOVE. IT.

I watched COMMUNITY on HULU tonight which is fucking well written and I am so sad i can't keep up with shows on a regular basis on T.V. Thank gawd for the internet really.
  I also re-watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. 

This REALLY got my thinking about "LOVE" again, because it's pretty much a love story. I mean you could probably dig deeper and say it is about more than just love, but I'm seeing it for the tragedy that love is.
  It reminded me how much SHIT i went through to ind this girl, the girl that will take me as I am, my ups and downs, and be there every step of the way.
  I trust her. I believe the things she tells me. I remember wishing for the magic freeze ray / time machine, plotting and scheming to get someone to notice me.

Now I have what I had wanted and I am happy.
  

  I Notice things going on around me with my friends, they are in their own relationship issues either one-sided or just not knowing what they want or just plain not finding what they're looking for.
   I wish to help, but I have nothing to say, plus the smarter side of me says don't get involved they need to find what they need on their own.

I have very little problems. I mention things because I could use some help, but for the most part im kind of set.
    I want my friends to get what they need.

I want my Sara [[kitty kat]] to be happy with me. I want her to have everything she wants.



Good wishes and good vibes for all.





   I guess to wrap tonites post is that it makes me happy to think about the girl that puts the warmth in my heart that was once occupied only by whiskey and rum.
    She brings so much of everything in my life.

More post later, for now its just a Sara post for hearts.

You know what's stupid? cryptic myspace bulletins that NO ONE understands except for the poster. Thanks for sharing, fuckers.



Here's some music that I've been listening to lately:

Arab Strap: Sounds like hi-fi prog rock, but they actually use a lot of "fake" instruments; these guys are drum machine whores. Not great singers, but I mostly like their heavy scottish accents and monologue-esque vocal styling. Favorite tracks: "The First Big Weekend" and "The Shy Retirer"

Why?: Awesome, awesome group. They receive a lot of criticism over their vague lyrics and Yoni Wolf's juxtaposition of nasal-y vocals and white boy rap. Frankly, neither of these things bother me. I love their polyrhythms (see "Crushed Bones") and edgy subject matter. Listen to "The Vowels, pt. 2" (strangely, there is no part 1), "Fatalist Palmistry, and "Crushed Bones".

Devendra Banhart: Not a lot of production in his early albums, but less is truly more. I love "This is the Way"; for some reason, I find it reminiscent of The White Stripes' lo-fi tracks. Plus, you've gotta love his beard!



This is how I waste time when I'm not on FarmVille.

at least i know
that as long as i have a body
they will not let me die

I Really Wanted to post this before I went to bed.
   I just had some sweet awesome curry compliments of my dad. [Delicious]


The ONLY good thing about movie studios making crappy movies is that they're usually in something i used to love, enjoy, watch, etc...
    Well, G.I. Joe came out recently and I had totally forgotten about it since the trailer. I had always like G.I. Joe, I would catch it late night on Cartoon Network [or early morning depending on how you look at it] and Cobra Commander was one of my favourite vilains.
    Now to the reason I had to put this down on paper [ha] is Well, I love my girlfriend, and I remembered that in G.I, Joe one of the villains was " The Baroness" Which when i remembered this, automatically it clicked in my peanut brain that My girlfriend Looks pretty much exactly like her. Now Sara [My boo] has had a haircut and it's a lighter color now, but when I first started talking to her her hair was long and dark. 

  Now all i can think about is, well dressing up my girlfriend in a Baroness costume and well, starring at her like a dweeb, tee hee, This is why I have changed my background to the Baroness.
   because it might as well be my villainous girlfriend back there.

I can't wait to talk to her soon, unfortunately I told her I'd probably be busy tday so she should make some plans so she doesn't feel neglected or ignored, of course as Murphy's Law would predict i was done before she was even off of work, and she had a friend sleep over, so OH WELL. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

 I do love her so and i cannot wait to see her again.
  <3 <3 <3

This my role in this world. I change myself, because the world and people in it won't change for me. My mom wouldn't change her parenting style for me, my dad wouldn't grow some balls to spend time with me, my stepmom despised me and I couldn't change that so I had to change myself.
This is my role. People won't change for me, when I need it or want it. So I have to change myself, in order to survive.

I want results, not apologies or excuses. I have to make my own results.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I really hate teeth pain. Getting my wisdom teeth out was pretty awful. The doctor was a jackass and didn't tell me anything he was doing. He stuck me for the iv, put in the athesia without even telling me. They were supposed to put me all the way out but they did concious sedation. I still could kind of feel. So I shook like a leaf and cried the whole time. My chin, bottom lip, and tongue were swollen and numb until about 2 o clock today. I couldn't taste anything it was terrible. Lol they gave me my teeth, which I don't know what to do with. I was pretty doped up when I got in the car but I do remember showing Mom the bag and saying 'toothfairy'.
Really I haven't been doing all that bad. Much better than my mom or I anticipated. The pain meds are necessary but they're kind of making me sick. I'm nauseous frequently. We went for a walk with the dogs earlier and that was flat out too much exertion. I've gotten a fever, more pain, and nausea since then. Learned my lesson.
Hopefully after this I feel better. I went yesterday and chopped off about 6 inches of my hair, so I shouldn't have to worry about headaches for a looong time.

Well that's all for now. I'm lonely and sick, so I'm going to watch America's Funniest Videos

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I actually like this song. I don't know if it's because of the melody or because the lyrics are all about the death of romance. I'm so obsessed with that idea. Just because it's so frighteningly real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6MEyNT2fuw

anywho...


 I had the best day ever. Seriously. 

I'm loving French more and more by the  minute, and AP psyche is to DIE FOR.
The writing club is pretty exceptional as well. I am a fan of three writers, let me tell you about some of their stories.

Fashion whore told a tale of excellent proportions. It was basically a stepford wives/ desperate housewives crosover dipped in a batch of American psycho. (Fashion whore's outfit was a tweed jacket, yellow pants, magenta heels, and a Louis Vitton logo chain she made. Awesome.) In the story, the main character is this cute little number that just is just sick of her suburban life, she's sinking in the pool of mini vans and private schools. While she's taking out the trash one evening, some annoying neighbor comes over to her and just chats her ass off. Then the housewife just SNAPS, and kills her right there in the street with the lid of the garbage can. The main character's (her name is susan, so I'll just say that) husband is hell bent on having the perfect housewife. So he is constantly criticizing her, so while he's at work she just spends the day shopping for the perfect evening dress, cleaning the house, and cooking dinner. So when the husband comes home that evening she greets him in a seethrough night-lace thingy. They have kinky sex. Then she presents him this feast, and he's all like what's for dinner? She then lifts the cover of a silver platter to reveal the chatty woman's head. The husband then becomes motionless (  he can still speak and is very aware), because susan laced his martini with some kind of poison. She the flips his ass on the dinner table and fucks him with a greased rolling pin then beats him to death with it.

I need...to fall in love with this girl. I mean SHIT.

Another favorite story of mine was about a Lesbian doctor who gets involved in crack. Her lover leaves her and she's left with nothing. Then one night she beats a salvation army santa to a pulp and prays to God.
"Dear God...stay out of my way..."
And then she becomes a prostitute and gets an abortion on christmas. I swear it was the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

Also, I read a bit of Audrey Hepburn Complex. It was VERY well received. :D

And when I revealed my back story about DSA, everyone is like DUDE THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING, YOU SCREAM ART SCHOOL.

After writing club I had a chat with the most pleasant goth girl in the history of forever named Katie, she's very interesting and BELONGS in Denver. We were sitting there chatting for three hours straight. And I told her ALL about Ethics of Retards. She demands she hear DYLON'S solo album.

Just....fucking...

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I have found my place in Niceviile. 

As humans we are horribly susceptible to niches. And as a creature of habit I spend much of my time in the library drooling over cumming's prose, and enjoying anna karenina in the absolute quiet. during lunch I crawl into the corner (the upside to going to a school near water?), feed the seagulls, and will throughly enjoy it when they attack those dumbass freshmen that throw rocks at them. I've started going to the school's writing club. It's all full of FANTASY WRITERS (ugh) and emo kids, but at least you can read anything uncensored as with dubrava, well maybe not, becuase one girl read a 10 page sex scene.

now let me tell you about that...

this girl (who i will refer to as fashionwhore, is what suki describe as my "soulmate", and dammit i think she's right. This girl was dressed in a t-shirt that said "L.A.!", wore SPARKLY PINK JELLY PLATFORM HEELS, a vintage tweed chanel skirt, and huge sunglasses. Fashionwhore's entire story was about a woman who was dicing a guys throat as they were humping. BRAVO. 

So I'm starting another novel. And I want to write love letters to it. I apocalypse/romance/road novel about a orphaned socialite/pro hedonist with a split personality and her james dean wannabe boyfriend go around the new new york (the deserts of arizona, new mexico, nevada, etc.) with a cassie-esque broad. It's basically plotless, the chapters are various vignettes of their  endless debauchery as dooms day draws near, then happens. i could say more, but i need to actually write this awesome shit. i'm craving more AP psyche, that class is serious ace. life's good right now, let's hope it stays that way for a while.

P.S. the novel is called The Audrey Hepburn Complex   

I need to take inventory of my situation.
John is not moving back and likely won't for years. I've spent so much of my life sacrificing for other people, waiting for them to consider me as much of a priority as I do them. I just need to accept that isn't going to happen. I am on my own here. No one is going to fix things for me, no one is going to change their path for me.
So I need to establish my own path.

I need to get a job that pays at least 11 an hour.
I need a 1 bedroom apartment that is decently close to my mom's house.
I need to go back to school (eventually).
I need hobbies and things to do that aren't just to get my mind off waiting for John, they're things I enjoy.

I've never been a "watch out for number 1" kind of person but I think I need to start being that way. I've spent too much of my life ignoring my needs so I can focus on other people's. They're never going to do that back for me.
I believe that John and I will stay together and have a happy life but I can't just be sitting around waiting for that to happen. He's got a life without me, so I need to do the same.

I hate our circumstances but there is nothing I can do. It wasn't my choice and there isn't anything I can say that will change it. So I give up. I'm focusing on my own life.

dear girl,
while doubting yourself might seem like the easiest possible way out, you cannot keep up this self loathing. people do not tell you you’re incredible to make fun of you, no one gets pleasure from witnessing your pain.

i can see you so clearly on the horizon, you fit perfectly with the stars, mountains, sunsets, trees, people look to you for direction, you seem so sure of yourself. what happened to the beauty you spit onto paper. why aren’t you confident in your ability to glow?

your transparency scares the shit out of me. please never forget the impact you’ve had. shit.

This weekend I...
-Went to Dan Deacon at the Glob and had the time of my life
-Went sledding at ruby hill with hot cocoa and EVERYTHING
-Smoked hookah in a snowbank
-Saw the new Cohen Bros movie and liked it.
-Met all of Ashleigh's weird new friends at her Halloween dancestravaganza (spell check does NOT like that word). Seriously, I think dance parties are extremely fun. I wish I could get paid to go to dance parties, because I am very passionate about them.
-Got the shit scared out of me on Halloweeen when Doron surprise attacked me from underneath Ben's bed. Seriously, I didn't even know he was in town.
I use the word "seriously" a lot. Maybe I shouldn't take things so seriously.

 I need to have faith in myself. I need to believe that I can make beautiful art.