Back from heaven, back to hell;

Woo!

Sat, 17 May 2008 19:59:21 GMT

So yesterday was Drew's birfday. He turned eighteen! I'm still legal, right? Oh, whatever.

Anyway, so I bought him this statue of three turtles, Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil, piled on top of one another. They were cuter than Bootsy Bubbles! =]
So he was in a TERRIBLE mood with his parents when we got there for some reason, but you know. And he accidentally set down the present somewhere and no one noticed but anyway, life moves on.

So we went on this adventure to find a place to eat, and we ended up at La Fondue, that horribly expensive DELICIOUS fondue restaurant! We got the best seat in the house!
And I've never had fondue before. Sue assured me that I would love it, which I did. God, I love that woman.
I had such a nice time! I love his family almost as much as I love him! Sue has replaced MaryBeth in being my second mother!
Drew cheered up, which was really good, I don't know what was going on but I guess the way to get him to feel better is to take him to a fancy Fondue restaurant. Oh, it was so much fun.

But then he called me later that night (LATER, since Fondue takes SOOO LONG TO EAT that meant like one and I was all asleep but I forgot to turn my cell phone on silent) but he was on the BRINK OF TEARS and was fucking freaking out. He said, "You put a lot of thought into that gift and I couldn't even hold on to it for an hour! I'm a horrible person! I am a waste of eighteen years!" and I simply could not calm him down. He was convinced that it reflected something terrible upon him as a person which I was convinced it did not, but you know. Gosh, he felt terrible, and it didn't even bother me that much, but he called all the places we visited last night this morning and I guess it he found it. I haven't seen the boy so upset over something in so long, but he called me this morning and felt a lot better, which was good.

Anyway, he leaves early tomorrow morning, and arrives in France mid-monday, and will be there for about ten days.

=]

I have 5 out of 15 character sketches done. Whoops. I need to get all up in that.

SUKI AND K-RAD COME HOME
K-RAD ARE YOU HOME YET?

I wrote this last night

Fri, 16 May 2008 16:17:10 GMT

They woke together in a liquid morning. She was warm beneath his sheets but so cold in the pristine cleanliness of his room, fully aware of her own body: softer after the night, almost like satin but soon to be broken apart by a green chill. Roughened, or maybe just made real.
She crept into the half-familiar, sleepy darkness on quiet toes, craving water on her skin. Not as an awakening, exactly, but perhaps a thumbprint of a blessing or of some estranged gratitude. Her fingernails were rough and chewed down, so unlike his, but she found his arms around her from behind in the quietness--- his long, sharp fingernails around her waist as she tried to focus with a toothbrush in her mouth.
A soft, secret laugh from her, a whisper deep into her ear from him. They returned in this way to his bedroom and she put on his shirt while he watched her with only a splinter of the rampant, half-crazy wildness that she knew was deeper inside of him. They crawled together under his blankets, half-asleep and very close, with two different heartbeats. Hers was sporadic and toofastinherribcage where his was irregular, slow, soft, sick. He breathed into her hair and she listened to him breathe until thinking about the way he would soon be intangible became too much and she cried, mutedly, into his skin, fingers deep between his bones.

Woohoo!

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:21:38 GMT

I'm getting so used to the sight of myself without makeup on.
I got a stripe of a sunburn today.
The cure for bad skin is to wash your face with moisturizing handsoap twice a day, not to use acne medication, unless if it's my brothers, but we don't have any left because he got it from a dermotologist. That shit is amazing.
My hair is in awesome shape, but I destroyed it with lemon juice today. Fuck me.
Biotin is rad.
I'm getting sick.
The source of that nasty taste in my mouth was Emergen-C, I discovered.
I think I have tonsillitis or strep or cancer on my uvula.
All of that was about my appearance/physical condition.
I'm spending the night at Drew's on Wednesday, after he performs with Aric Wilcox.
Who I guess doesn't hate me, and is just a douchebag.

I have so much shit due this week, I've been working all day. Shit due Thursday I have to get done by Wednesday, because Homework is NOT what I will be doing at Drew's house.
Please don't ask me if I got laid the next day, because I probably didn't, and it gets annoying when everyone asks me that.

Work Tuesday/Thursday/Friday legit. Fuck. Less time for my projects.

K-rad, when do you come homes?

I got B& for six days. Reason listed: "Bullshit". It was probably true, ugh. Bring back Snax.

That's about it. I miss my fellow with me in a place besides school or Chipotle or Michael's car because it's been a while since I've been able to feel him, I mean, all of him.

alright that's it. Back to more homework.

Nice weekend so far!

Sat, 10 May 2008 16:35:45 GMT

So I went to work yesterday, and looked at the schedule, right? And I thought like, "Hey! It's Friday and the new schedule for next week isn't up!" So I think about it for a minute, and I realize that I wrote "May 9th" on my math test, so I look again, and realize that I was scheduled for NEXT friday. So I go up to Len and I say, "Oh, Len, so I was really dumb and thought that today was the sixteenth, for some reason. I can go home if you want, I mean, it's not like, FAR, but if you need any extra help I'm here." He said, "Oh, yeah! You can work until seven, how about that?" And I said okay and worked till seven.
Angie checks out at 5:45, but before she left she comes up to me and goes, "Hey! You wanna spend the night? You haven't seen our apartment yet!" So I'm all for it, she rooms with Cindy, because they don't earn TOO much and have to split the bills. (They live close.) So Angie comes and picks me up from work, because my mom was all YA OK WHATEVER and we go. Cindy gets off her SECOND job at NINE, she works at the pet store at the Aurora Mall too, so we go and find an ATM and dick around, set up the hookah (We named it Poetry! It's BRAND FUCKING NEW AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL!) and bought some shisha, tons of it. We go back, set it up, pick up some crazy chick Rath, and then go get Cindy. We go back the apartment, Angie and her friend from California, Brandon, go buy some liquor. Cindy and I both drink gin, and they bought a bunch of girly pussy Mikes Hard shit. And some rum, and whiskey, I think. We almost got some Absinthe but it was SOOOO expensive that we just couldn't.
So we drink a little, smoke a lot, talk a lot. Angie passes out first. So it's Cindy, Rath, Brandon and I. WHich is cool because there were four hoses on the hookah anyway. Cindy makes us some food, and everything, it was a good time. I smoked a little bit (a lot more!) cigarettes than I should have but I don't have any cravings this morning so I'm probably okay. We played a lot of truth or dare, the limit to mine was anything sexual. No one else set limits. Ha.
ANyway, it was a fun time. I passed out at about 2:30 AM, woke up at nine, now it's ten thirty and I'm here. I'm gonna go take a shower and clean.

Haha, I love work. I love my mom just DOESN'T CARE. And my daddy's out of town. Rad!

It was a fun time. I love Angie.

My curbing interests fell away after Gulianni.

Fri, 09 May 2008 02:37:26 GMT

I murdered that shit.
I love my job. My boss is so fuckin' cool. He has my sense of humour.

A THREESOME WITH COURTNEY LOVE AND BILLY CORGAN?!

my dog just farted out of her mouth.

OH MY GOD I NEED SOMETHING TO CALM ME DOWN OR SOMETHING MAN

I'm waiting

Tue, 06 May 2008 14:10:52 GMT

for some people to finish my last F.E.'s.

I think my tit is back to normal. Or at least it doesn't hurt anymore, but it still looks kind of whack. I think it was from my bra. Maybe I'm allergic to bras.

Tomorrow! Chap-book day!

I bought new clothes last night.

My FE book is really uninspiring.

I need gum really bad.

"Sorry, man! I can't! I can't! I got thrown in front of a BUS!"

Deviled eggs! I need to make deviled eggs! Oh, lawd!

Eff!

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:11:02 GMT

Something is WRONG WITH MY TIT.

It was itching all weird in math class, and it just did it again, so I took off my bra and checked it out. It's not like a rash and the skin isn't broken, but just under the skin there are these tiny spots of blood. If it wasn't on my tit, I'd take a picture of it. I'm really freaked out!

So, Clay.

Sat, 03 May 2008 19:43:23 GMT

Yeah. Clay called me just now and was like, "Hey! Hey! I'm going to come get you after Ty and Bri have sex. We'll drive down to Aurora. I'm gonna get a tattoo."
And I was like, "Fuck yeah! A tattoo, finally! You're almost twenty!" and they want him to get stuck and so he said I'd do it. So they're coming to get me in a few hours, and we'll buy some needles at Johannes, I'll put a few holes in him and then he'll go get his tattoo.

The old man is out shooting, and I guess I'm going back to Aric's after the concert tonight, if he goes, because it's so close to my house. Straight down Iliff. Today's a good Saturday. I'm mostly excited to see Clay!

Got up at fucking five-forty AM

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:46:02 GMT

I was so pissed about it, because it's Saturday. I had to meet everyone from work at IHOP for a fucking work-meeting thing. Although, the breakfast was on Len and we get paid for being there. but the getting up as early as I would for school pissed me off. In a good way.
Angie was pissed at me because I finished one of her projects, I felt terrible.
Today was pay day. Rad. I only worked eight hours and I got $52.32, I think. What they took out for taxes I'll probably get back because I'm such an underage student, and working so part-time.

Going to a Finnish viking metal band tonight with Drew (and hopefully K-rad, Max, Ish, Hope, Michael, Trevor, Aric), mostly as a joke. I'm glad he invited me. It's almost ten and I want to call him to tell him I'm for sure going, but I feel like it might be too early. I don't wanna be obnoxious just 'cause I got up at six.

. . . well I guess that's that, then.

Huh

Fri, 02 May 2008 02:56:53 GMT

Whacky day at work. I only cashed someone out once (out of the four who came in during my TWO HOUR SHIFT) and mostly stocked drugs. Len told me that I need to work on SELLING STUFF to people while he's filling prescriptions in the back.
Worked with Anna. We're both terrified of spiders and had to deal with one. It was terrible. Also, we couldn't figure out for the longest time why there was so much Windex leaking everywhere, until we realized that there was a crack in the bottom of the bottle. I was the genius to figure it out, in my afternoon shift when they'd all been working all day. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Next week I work eight hours, Tuesday 4-8 and Thursday 4-8. Radtown.

I have the 7th and hopefully the 14th off, I requested the 14th and I wasn't scheduled for the seventh anyways.

Dad and I went to Anthony's for dinner, just got back, it's nine, we were bonding.

And Drew's watching Bret Michaels on the television, the dickbag. Who watches Bret Michaels reality TV, anyway? Faggots do. I love the boy, I do, but FUCK.

UGGGGHHH

Thu, 01 May 2008 22:15:19 GMT

Pinkeye is going around, I think I might have it. I touch my eyes so often, I'll prolly get it in both. Ah, fuck me.
This weekend will probably suck. I can't do anything.

I have to go to work in under two hours, which is cool, though.

Funny lunch period today, I haven't laughed that hard in sooooo long.

My grades are so awesome except for Civics.

College scares the shit out of me.

I'm in a shitty mood, I think.

Whoops

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:08:27 GMT

I forgot that I have to write a 3-page-minimum research paper. Fuck. It was due Tuesday. ha ha, whooooops. Oh well, though. I can get it done. I'm doing my bibliography now, and I'm tweaking my thesis.

I went to school just past the normal time to spend time with Drew. Ha. I would fight through clouds of weevils just to see him smile, so I loved it, fuck sleep, I'd rather sleep with him anyway.

White day, fuck yeah. I wonder when my shit for Lit is due. God, I have it so easy as a sophomore, looking at all the shit the seniors have to do. I couldn't handle it at all. Fuck.

The Democracy assignment in CW should, yes, absolutely be optional. What the f, anyway. I don't want to do it. I'm not supposed to take it seriously, am I? I hope not. I can't.

Aced the Astronomy test today. Won the math slam thing in math. Got 23/24 on my JKI quiz. Pissed off Billy Winger to the point of now-I-feel-guilty in Spanish. Working on my F.E. book.

Friday off, thank God. I don't think I can hang out with anyone though, which is really lame.
Oh, shit, and I work tomorrow. Fuck. Oh well that's cool.

I need to remind myself! I have to ask for May 7th and May 14th off. (Chap book/Drew's Senior Recital.) If I can't get them off I will ACTUALLY die. I really will I will seriously just shoot myself in the foot with a BB gun and get the day off or something. I'll have Len look at it and say, "OMG TAKE THE DAY OFF" and then I'll limp right into the car and go to school and see them. Both days. I have two feet, right?

Time to really get to work, it's five.

Well jesus.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:39:44 GMT

How nice is this.
My mom picked me up and I went home and immediately took a shower, discovering not a single tick. I have to check my hair when it dries. I'm one of the lucky survivors!
My mom bought me a Frosty out of the goodness of her heart, too.
=D
Drew called me and I guess he stayed after, looking for me, but I didn't have my phone so I called him when I got his cute messages.

Tomorrow I might go to school early.

Balarat is not particularly inspiring, and the writing that spawned from it was not particularly good, but it was sooooo nice to forget about my problems, and learn such things about my fellow CW's and Ms. Dubrava. That was super chill. It was so good to see Mrs Clark, my GOD, I fucking LOVE that woman. I feel so bad for the kids that never got to experience her as a teacher.

Astronomy test tomorrow. Suki, let's CRAM! We should check the website, print notes. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure we'll do okay on it.

Deseree thinks I'm a crackhead, I'm pretty srue. By the way. I think I freak her out and that she doesn't like being around me because I'm too wild, which is lame. She's a cook kid and I like her, she's good to talk to, and I want to be her friend.

I thought it was funny that people actually liked the gnome-bitch story. That shit was TERRIBLE. And they thought it was funny, so I thought that they were funny.

Eh, I felt guilty all up in there, at Balarat, though, for some reason, the whole time, some guilt for the way I've treated people in the past, shit kills me.

That's about it.

Work today was awesome.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 02:38:14 GMT

Totally fine. Did great. Still working on making the cash register do what I want it to.

Kay. Yeah. Four hour shift tomorrow. I'm kind of excited. I fucked up 10x less today. I was absolutely thrilled with myself.

My F.E. book is due. Fuck. Fuck. I need to get on that. Jeeeeeeeesus. Heyheyheyheyhey if you read this tonight PLEASE save my ass and write to a line of mine.

Pick one of these?:

"Write about your favorite color like you hate it."

"Use the words 'seasick' and 'sandman'. Write for seven minutes."

"Hospital hallways always scared me."

"You can't be metrosexual with a moustache!"

"She shoots her kids with rubber bands."

"I love her because she has split ends and bites her fingernails."

"It was only five feet away."

"He was hungover."

"It was a bloody mess by the time we showed up."

Any of 'em, really. You can change the it's/we's/she's/he's/them's to whatever you want, and all you have to do is write for five to fifteen minutes. Or any amount of time, really. It can be anything you want, even inspired BY the line.

Yeah.
Yeah!

Anyway. Yeah. Today.
Uhhhhhhhh I spent my morning wrapped up in Drew, went to Astronomy, had a fun time taking notes, went to Spanish, dicked around and took a test, went to lunch, Michael and Aric and Drew came back to school to grab me since they dipped out on philosophy and went earlier, went to math, giggled around with Deseree, and then went to work right after school. Didn't fuck up! Yeah!

That's about it, really, it is.

My GOD!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:34:26 GMT

Christ.
Last night I woke up at 3:05 experiencing strange paranormal activity, so I got to sleep all late and freaked out.

Fucking, I went to work today and it was so fucking stressful. I kept on fucking up. It was terrifying, but I hope I get better, and Angie says that it's pretty much okay and that I won't get fired or anything. I feel bad because she worked so hard to get me this job and I can't really do it that well. I need lots of assistance. Two hour shift, I stayed 15 minutes overtime to finishing making a display box but that's not a big deal ha ha hahah ahdfkjgh AAH!
STRESSSSSSSS

I feel so incapable and I fucking forgot to snag my fucking schedule FUCK.

I know I work Wednesday 4-6 and thursday 4-8, I think. Jesus, though. A slap in the facefaceface.

Well, so, that's about it, really. I hope they don't think I'm TOO terrible.

Tomorrow. . . is eighties day. . . and Jmillz lent me a Lush CD. Sweet. I have to burn that shit.

omfgmgmgmgmmgmOMFG!!!

Well, yeah.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:27:00 GMT

Fuck yeah. Marie called back and so I've officially got my ass a job. Training tomorrow and on Wednesday, and then realjob time. Which is exciting, I think. I really wanted this job, and since I quit smoking I'm totally down. I'd love to work there. Way better than landscaping.

Stoner movies were on TV all day today, and my dad didn't even know what 420 was until I explained it to him, I had to.

We got my prescription fixed for my glasses. I guess my astigmatism like, switched eyes from the right to the left, which is really weird, but why it was so disorienting.

This job means I'll probably have one through next year. Awesome. Awesome. I don't think I'm gonna quit.

Oh, FUCK YEAH.

My GOD.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:50:20 GMT

I just spent two and a half hours cleaning my room, it was awesome. It's very pleasant now.

Downside, though: I woke up with hella eye infections and so I had to take my contacts out. I was cleaning my room to FIND my glasses and when I did I realized that the prescription is over two years and three upgrades old, so it's really dizzying and so if I make any spelling mistakes I'm really sorry because I took them off. They were way too disorienting.

I washed my hair with honey and olive oil last night and it was a dick to try and wash out, but my hair DOES feel brand-new! Thank you, K-Rad!

My mom and I are both buying biotin supplements because it's ridiculously good for you in like, fifty ways. Also, her eyelashes are falling out, because she thinks she's really old even though she's only just barely graced fifty and that's NOT old.

I might see Drew today but probably not because he's had one long ass week and I hope he just sleeps all day so he doesn't like, die.
Today's 4:20 I guess but I'm not participating because I just don't give an eff.

I found a bunch of ish's old poetry when I was cleaning. A few of them are really amazing.

Alright dude I need to eat something.

LololoLOLOOL

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 17:24:32 GMT

Good sermon today in church, about forgiveness. I like that church, it's a lot more like life-lessons and a lot less like GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD and it's so un-judgemental and accepting. It's like, the epitome of a place to be to fix small things in your life and treat people all nice.

Yesterday was beautiful. Drew and I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit and his mom showed me all these pictures of them from our trips. And he taught me bar chords, the pentatonic minor scale, harmonic minor, and one other that I can't remember. Also, some riffs from some songs. HIM and Hendrix and one other.
Then we went to Souper! SALAD! and then went home and then went to Mimi's for dinner and then went back home and fooled around to Madonna and Prince because we're hip like that. That boy is irresistible, and so fucking good with his hands. Good fucking god. He walked me to my door after twelve lovely hours of love. Ha ha he wore me out, so I fell asleep on him kind of, and told him that he was a fabulous pillow boy and he said, "You're the best blanket-girl." It was cute. I had a great time.
His parents know so fucking much about EVERYTHING, and they travel all the time, it's truly incredible. They are the most knowledgeable fucking people.

Today. . . today. . . today?
I don't think I'm doing shit today.
I'll practice my guitars.

Everything is FINE!

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:34:03 GMT

FINE!
What is WRONG with me? God! I never do this!
Ha ha ha everything is totally fine.
Drew was so bewildered when I talked to him. Ha ha, gosh. I'm such a little schoolgirl dumbass sometimes.

I feel like fifty pounds have been heaved into the sky.!

Mmm.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:29:32 GMT

Interview at Village Inn was insane. This foreign man interviewed me, except he wanted me to work from like 2:00 AM to 5:30 AM full-time, even during the school year, and although I would do it, it's kind of, you know, ILLEGAL. So, I had to tell them that I'm not their gal. But Len said that he'd tell Marie to call me so the Pharmacy is all sorts of likely.

I think Drew is getting tired of me, perhaps, which makes kind of sense, really. I could just be going all hypersensitivemiddleschoolgirl on this, but either way, it kind of makes sense. He's bound to get bored of me sometime, it's been a long time. I think I'm starting to get to him. It's making me kind of queasy, but also, I get it. I haven't talked about it because I feel like an over-reacting bitch when I do, but signals aren't lost on me, either.
It's either that, or his friends are getting tired of me, which makes a whole fucking lot of sense because I'm not very much like them, and I'm kind of stupid really, even if I enjoy their company.

Took a test in Blitch's, aced as much of it that I could do, mainly because he let us use the books and sit in the hallway and talk during. That man has given up on us.

Finger callouses on the guitar.
Hopefully we're not doing anything in Creative Writing tomorrow.

I need to do my math homework tonight, instead of in class tomorrow.

I haven't put my guitar down all morning.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 23:08:25 GMT

Day. Actually. It's five.
Ha ha my fingers hurt, but it's that awesome kind of hurt! I bet it's the kind of "FEEL THE BURNNN" they talk about when one exercises. And since I never do that, well, you know.
Ha ha ha.
"Leah Kuehn is a self-taught guitar player who began playing at sixteen. She's now thirty-five, and is still terrible, but loves it very much."
I needed a change of scenery. But now I need a different one from this one.

I'm a house full of music!

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:37:51 GMT

This almost-a-relative girl Jamison is here for auditions, so she's playing viola in the entertainment room, mom is practicing upstairs, and I'm down here looking up CORRECT uitar chords because I'm playing guitar. It's very funny.

Prom was incredible. I had a fucking AMAZING night. We went to Marlowes for dinner, then went to the prom, stayed there until it was over, and then went out to breakfast. Haha we were both so tired in the Village Inn, we were sitting on the same side of the booth, three-quarters asleep on one another, still making conversation that didn't really register and laughing in a tired splendor.
It was really magical. He tried to teach me how to swing dance and my tit popped out during the spin. It was embarrassing.
Shaina Goldstein shaves all of her pubic hair off, and didn't wear any underwear to prom. Ha ha ha. She just decided to like, lift up her dress in the bathroom. It was kind of strange.
Max took Riley and Ish and they snuck in a bottle, but I didn't drink much because Drew was there and he was more interesting.
Michael never got the balls to ask Giselle to prom. She may have gone with him, I couldn't read her too well when we were talking about it.
Drew used Ben Sefkin for a stipper pole, and Ben started to cry.
And they didn't have coffee at the bar.
Mrs. Brown was being unusually nice, and the music wasn't "nigger noise" (fuck you Clay for even SAYING THAT) but it was pretty bad most of the time. Except for the swing, and the Barbie Girl song. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Everyone looked awesome. Kali Fischer especially.

Drew's parents filmed us and took mad pictures. It was terrible. He looked so amazing. He is so amazing! =D
It was a really magical night.
So that's that. I need to look up these chords.

FUCK!

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 22:46:53 GMT

There are 20 possible conditions for my symptoms.
I think I have an ulcer, but I guess it could be 19 other things, too. =[

AAAAAH!

My mom thinks it's just indigestion. But it's not. She won't take me to the doctor.
What's gonna go down if I just die? If like, my stomach starts bleeding out and infects my blood and I die? Or have to get surgery on my stomach or something?
I guess if that happened she'd take me. If we knew in time.

I still think it's an ulcer, though.

-----

How Do I Know Have It?

Stomach cancer (gastric cancer) can be hard to detect in its early stages. Often there are no symptoms at this point, so in many cases, the cancer has spread before it is found. This is because the stomach is a fairly large-sized organ, so only a large-sized tumor will cause symptoms. Also, when stomach cancer symptoms do occur, they are so vague that the person ignores them.

However, the possibility of stomach cancer should not be ignored. Stomach cancer is most curable in its early stages, before it has begun to spread.

These three early symptoms of stomach cancer often occur after eating:

* Indigestion. This includes burning in the stomach or upper abdomen, abdominal pain, bloating (full feeling), belching and gas, nausea and vomiting, acidic taste in the mouth, or growling stomach.
* Loss of appetite. Or, you may feel full after eating very little.
* Heartburn. This is a burning sensation deep in the chest.

If you have indigestion every day for a week, see a doctor.

A fecal occult blood test (a stool test) may show one early sign of stomach cancer -- blood in the stool. Your doctor may also advise an upper GI (gastrointestinal) series of X-rays and a gastrointestinal endoscopy exam (gastroscopy) to view the inside of your stomach.

In more advanced stages of stomach cancer, when the tumor is large or has spread, symptoms may include:

* Blood in the stool or black, tarry stools.
* Vomiting, which may have blood (bright red or looks like coffee grounds).
* Weight loss that is unexplained and/or loss of appetite.
* Pain or bloating in the stomach after eating.
* Jaundice, a yellowing of eyes and skin.
* Discomfort in the upper or middle part of the abdomen.
* Weakness or fatigue associated with mild anemia (a deficiency in red blood cells).

Keep in mind, any of these symptoms can be caused by cancer, an ulcer, or other less-serious health problems. But if you notice any of these symptoms, see your doctor immediately. You may be referred to a gastroenterologist, a specialist who diagnoses and treats digestive disorders.

---

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

I'm fucking freaked out!

The way it feels to write letters to someone not yet dead.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:38:52 GMT

We spent our evening in the city, like we always do. The weather was unexceptional, and there were no snowflakes caught in your long eyelashes for me to remove opportunely with my lips. It was not a warm night, and the chill cut right through your father’s denim jacket. I kept your left thumb warm in the palm of my hand. Spring is so volatile--- within a week, we have seen all seasons of the year. Just one week, as if it’s reminding us of the mess we made of on another the last time. Maybe it's trying to tell us that the past years were not worthless or wasted.
As a rule, big cities are hungry for you. Just not this one, this almost-a-city that can’t decide what kind of place it really is. For every good reason that you could possibly have, it’s not interesting enough.
We just sat on fifteenth and you forgave me for trying to smoke a cigarette. (Last time, you had swung me away from the man I was bumming from and held both of my hands and looked into my eyes, apologetically but almost pleadingly.) We were curled up against the curb, and I felt a fierceness in you, one that you always try and supress around me when you’re not transferring it into something more positive. You have too much forgiveness in your blood, and it makes up for my clumsy carelessness.
Our restless legs suggested our migration, so we just walked block after block, wandering, trying to get lost. We crossed countless streets, one of us pulling the other by the hand, getting each other almost killed every time. Aimless, with time to brutally murder although we both wished that the earth could somehow stop its rotation. Something inside of us wished that time would stop progressing of its own accord, like it wanted to take a picture of us to keep for itself. But we have both become far too good at wandering together--- we are turbulent people, and must always be in motion, whether time would wish us to stop and catch our breath, or not.
I almost hate how much I can feel, how deeply we romanticize despair, I hate how inspired we will both be when we’re apart. It’s almost a sin, how strongly we still hold on when we know what’s coming. Its simplicity and honesty proves that it couldn’t be very different than the way it is without being entirely disfunctional altogether.

All of our heroes are dead. They’ve died and your heart has hung itself and you had to cut it down yourself one winter. (That pain has never left you, I know how you feel it in Nebraska and San Francisco weather. You can hear the earth scream inside of you--- you're projecting.) We have both become experts in self-destruction. All of the pain you’ve ever felt boils in your blood and chews at your tongue and chips at your teeth and you’ve let me feel it and I love how you’ve let me feel it. I can taste it in you some nights, and it’s taught me how to love you.
I don’t know if I’ll write you letters or not.

Oh, wow.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:49:44 GMT

I love my mom. She and I sit around and watch girly chick flicks all evening, I love it. I really do have the best mother.

Today, I literally did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and it was fucking AWESOME!
I finally feel recharged enough to deal with school. FABULOUS.